The Room in my Head

‘Moving On’.. From something brilliant, from something painful and from something that just went on a little longer than it had to. We all move on from a lot of things, yet we still suffer when we need to do it again and we still ride the carousel like its any other day. A small part of me wonders why we insist on making life such an incessant series of difficult experiences and then I strike upon the realisation, that the greatest lessons in life are unlearning them and moving on.

Some of us desperately hold on to what we think is the essence of life and refuse to let go even though we know that its eroding us, taking us back into the Dark Ages. We work our way past the small hurdles as we blindly walk into the abyss of denial, remorse and that oh so terrible self pity. Wow am I sounding like some pathetic excuse for a broken lover or what but hey, i’m just fulfilling a duty to myself. Some choose to sing, some cry, some hang on and never let go and some just pour it all out in a little space they can call their own.

We move on from people, places and moments and then we move on from love, hope and a true sense of self being. We search in dark rooms and in the neon lights for the right fix, from the smoke in a terrace to that last puff of a cigarette for a brand new day but all we find is a little more twisted, little less involved and a lot more distant vision of yourself. You then begin to drift away from the crowd as you stand there and make banal, futile yet terrifyingly meaningful conversation. You start to see the contradictions, you find the silence in your head seductive and you lean in a little just to let your entire self feel the peace, in hope that when you breathe out, you let out a little more than just the demons in you in a cloud of smoke. Then they begin as flashes, not the ones they claim you see before you die but the ones that promised to never die on you. You look at those visions of a destiny long gone and then you are at the crossroads to what can be the rest of your life and a life you refused to live…

The music slowly starts beating again, the alcohol starts making the right connections and you are back again after being given a fleeting glimpse to what is inside, for the first time you saw yourself and returned and now, maybe now..Wait..It is now..You are not in some hazy midsummer night’s dream, you actually are in a small room on a terrace, a room that looks a lot like the one you just visited in your head. Finally you know that you can break free, not because you know that so has the rest of the world but because you finally can. The music, the pain, the slow change and then the ever so quick and brutal mind trick and in a flash, for all its glory, its splendour..It vanishes in the air..The room is empty again only filled with me and my new destiny.

I can only hope it is…

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The Room in my Head