Act One – Monologue to my long lost blog..unbalanced, unedited, no mock ups and no storyboards. Tons of longing, lust and a dose of Wahnsinn
Yes, I had given up on you and yes I abandoned you. But you never left my mind and my very substance, storyonboard. In every fucked up moment spent regretting and relegating my thinking to a banal, less complete form of myself, I abused you and let you go. I gave up on you but the unbalanced, self loathing and desperately clingy element that created you held on. You never let go and for that I salute you today and I welcome you back. You are much needed and as the shit settles, the froth gets to the top and the smoke dissolves in the fog of despair around me, we have rediscovered each other. Yes it wasn’t borne out of some carnal need that required satiating, oh no, it’s one of those boiling and crude feelings that only a sniper would feel a couple of seconds before he takes the shot.
That feeling of desperate perfection meeting an overwhelming need to end something..
I have measured many a tear and forsaken many a friend. I have trodden down paths extremely dark and found my release in rage filled metaphors. I have created very little and destroyed a lot of myself and all in the pursuit of an undefined cause, a belief in the greater good. You ask me how many drinks? I ask you, how do you live with yourself? Where the hell did you think you could go? Always tantalizing, always beckoning but never mine. Rediscovery. Me, myself and finding I. That’s what I was doing. No eat, pray or love. I didn’t need any of that. I just needed to find myself again. Just me, not with anyone’s help, without you, without anyone. Just me. And guess what I found. I just found a few more reasons to continue finding the need to comprehend all the absurdity around me..
Rediscovery (End of Act One)
Now this is where it gets interesting. Twist in the tale? Maybe.
Act Two – The monologue continues. The weeping and the make-up sex are over. The drowning is done, it’s the part where you shake of all the shit and see yourself again. You may not see the shit anymore but you sure do still smell of it..
It was very important that I changed it all. That required starting from the basics. From how I knew to begin. From the beginning. So I had to let the ‘Once upon a time..’ build up in me. It had to be good or else the ‘The End’ would have been damn depressing. So I built the plot slowly, cleanly and let the sub plots take care of themselves. I began to own the narrative again, the long legs and the sexy back was relegated to entertain thoughts of greater wisdom.
Of a lower being discovering a greater cause.
A perilous need to question faith. Question my need to comprehend something beyond the life that had begun to haunt me. I found a cure, a syringe lying on the floor, doped up. Ready to get high. Ah wait! Is it a gun? Are those real bullets? Is that meant to hit me like an epiphany? But it is a gun or is it the mind, my mind playing. A slow, cruel yet sensual dance. The elements coming together, the logic of it all falling in place and then the much desired PATTERN!! The one that links it all. Brings it all together and sets you free.
Reinvention. Fuck it! This is the way ahead. I can see it better and I begin right from the beginning with you again. My precious…
Reinvention (End of Act Two)