Finding and Losing

When I was 16, I figured it was all going to be very easy. It required a few knowing glances, a couple of well intentioned notes telling her exactly how you felt about her, a well executed meeting that would lead to a 10-15 minute conversation, many phone calls in the middle of the afternoon while your parents were asleep and finally that note from her where she told you just how you made her feel. And that right there, would make it all, every effort ever, worth it. That was the day I learnt a very valuable lesson, that in every love story there will always be a ‘finder’ and a ‘loser’, and you can only hope that you are always finding something in the relationship and so is she because the moment you are still finding and she begins to lose you, well, that is where many an unfortunate love story seems to end. But never completely and truly the way it should.
Along my journey of falling in and out of love, I have done a lot of ‘finding’ and ‘losing’. I consider my most fortunate relationship as the one where we spent many years ‘finding’ each other, ‘losing’ each other on different laps of that journey but always clawing our way back. We were unbeatable and it seemed like we had it down to a method, that the only thing that would come between us would be us. And finally we did come in between each other, we tore down our walls of defiance and allowed a strange sense of calm to enter it and enveloped in this bubble, we discovered us ‘losing’ each other. Every second together was us ‘losing’ a bit of each other until the point there was nothing except this thick cloud of memories and nostalgia in front of us. I’m not sure who burst that cloud, but in one remarkable day, it was all gone. There was a hug and that was it. None of us will be sure of the velocity at which we moved past that day, but we know for sure that we ‘lost’ together and in the process created an end that was fitting to our beginning. In a moment we ‘found’ each other, in many separate and beautiful moments we loved each other and in one poignant moment we let it all go.
As life progressed and I began to discover layers to myself that I hadn’t known of, there were moments when the idea of love began to supersede all else in life. There were obvious pitfalls attached to it, amongst many; attachment, losing myself and a gradual erosion of things that mattered. While hind sight Is a tricky operator, in the moment it was really tough to see or measure some of these things and I think the positives of which there were so many that they began to cast a shadow so dark on the rest, that my mind refused to even ponder over these inconsistencies in my head. Love wasn’t anymore just about the ‘finding’ but it was also about the ‘finding’ in the ‘losing’. There would be moments where I would discover just how strongly one could feel about oneself after a fight, of how pure emotions of a relationship could weather you through some of the strongest storms otherwise in life. I could break down mountains at work and in life, just with the thought of spending time with her or a hug of comfort after breaking down aforementioned mountains. That was the power of love for me. It was all conquering in ways that I couldn’t imagine and maybe in it lay many obvious follies but for a guy who had for once been swept off his feet, this wasn’t something I ever had experienced before. And that’s where it begins to get a little murky for a fragile mind. It is at that point where the lines between the ‘finding’ and the ‘losing’ begin to intertwine. You would surely have had moments where you would feel such immense joy of being with someone that the thought of losing them cripples you and it makes you wonder, if anyone having such power over you is good. You question the fundamentals, but only sparingly because at the bottom of it all is this strong sense of having ‘found’ something so beautiful that you refuse to let it go. And sometimes you refuse to let it go long after it is ‘lost’.
All these years and many more instances of falling in and out of love or versions of that, make you wonder where you have gotten as a person. That somehow you feel you would have mastered yourself and your emotions and figured out that there is no line between the ‘finding’ and ‘losing’ and that so much of it resides so stubbornly in your head. You wish that you could carry around hindsight like an assistant on every journey of yours that leads down the path of love but you somehow cannot detach yourself from yourself and look at it objectively. Because the world will tell you that love mustn’t be looked at objectively, that we must allow ourselves to let go and never ever stop being the original version of ourselves that we have promised ourselves to be. That in every relationship there are after all two people, and if she cannot make you feel like you are constantly ‘finding’ her and not ‘losing’ yourself, then pray, what are you both doing?
Examining the truths of your love and the love you both share can sometimes expose realities about yourself that you are incapable of seeing while together, but imagine a time and a place where they two collide, where your self-awareness mixes with what you both share, where she ignites in you a need to be better, greater and happier. Where she doesn’t compel but propels you to be a good guy, scratch that, a great guy. Where she makes you feel everything you feel about her, like these mad threads that just seem to effortlessly string together. That in your greatest challenges she isn’t just a shoulder to cry or vent on but like that weapon that ensures you are up and fighting again. Where you both decide that you will together, quietly creep up on the world and conquer it in your own wildly chemical and endearing way. Where time spent or time away could feel the same because both are the building blocks of a timeless love story. And in ‘finding’ and ‘losing’ and in doing it all over again, you just never stop loving..
That’s it. That’s all I need, you need, we need.

Finding and Losing

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