I have searched for this song for possibly the last two years. On and off, lesser known to me, this song was on this journey around the world to find me. And it finally did, thanks to a show destined to turn my life upside down and the absolutely awesome ‘Soundhound’.
So it’s simple, I need you to click the below link and play the song and then, let’s begin a rendition of the song in my head. Something happens to all of us when we hear a song that truly speaks to us. This is what happens to me..
Press Play and hear the song while you read this because that’s how it was written!
Of days when the rains were just another season, but then they became an outlet and today I stand at my window waiting for the sprinkles to hit my face. And that moment when they do.
Of running to my Mom as a child because I couldn’t run faster than my friends, because I couldn’t make friends, because I wanted to just be a part of something. Because I knew that maybe some day, when it all falls into place I won’t need to run back to her and that I could walk away from her knowing that she had my back while I tried to discover my world.
Of that time when I stood there, watched her go and didn’t try and stop her. Didn’t will her to turn, didn’t find all those words I seem to be good with to convince her. Of not wanting more from something possibly so eternal.
Of driving through washed streets of a city so new and alien to me. Not being sure if I could ever fit in, ever find my heart, ever lose my heart again, ever want to fit in, ever want to build a life. If I could get used to the smells and the sights and the people and their eyes and their dreams. And then of walking away from that city, just when it had opened its arms to me. And then driving through the same streets out of the city to never return as a son but only as a passer by.
Of wondering whether she closed the door or whether I let her close the door. Of closing the lift door, of opening the gate, of riding away, of speeding through the rain, of nearly riding past home, of making a promise to myself to never let myself go again. Of pledging layers of protection so dense that no one would pierce it again. That no one shall be allowed in. That chambers of hope shall be closed and replaced with a self belief so strong that it could be pierced only by true love or true hope or maybe if I am lucky, then a truly amazing human being. And that that person would surpass what I considered as love, affection, attraction or any of those myths.
Of finding a new city that was old. Of hoping to find its old glory along with my own old swagger. Of discovering people who changed my concept of reality and expectations of good, bad and beautiful. Of finding travel, new people and worlds far away from mine yet so close to my idea of how it should all be. Of being lost in streets miles away from home. But of thinking of only one person, far away, many miles away and wondering how she seemed to make her way in my head. Of looking and finding only her in every corner of every street and lonely dream of mine. Of buildings and monuments and moments of history calling out to me, but only showing me its beauty through her face. Of wondering what was really happening. Of finally not caring whether real answers, real love, real desperation, real longing, real anything..anything real exists. Of stopping to care.
Of finding her. Finding hope. Finding purpose. Finding your jokes, finding your swagger, finding reasons to run not to find pain but to discover another iota of her, finding why you are, finding that in her simplicity lies my answers to my need for complexity. Of knowing that doubt doesn’t need to cloud me anymore, of the confidence that comes from faith and belief in you and to see it in her eyes. Of knowing that she isn’t changing or judging or hoping for you to be someone else, that for once she is enveloped in you in a way that isn’t just physical, just emotional, just about love or attachment or an underlying need for comfort, that is maybe spiritual and that she helps you find your way through this maze you have been walking in and then you see her at the end of it and you know that this is you, you in all your glory and that all these years spent questioning and protecting yourself was just you running away from all that was good about you.
I have discovered my good. My hope. My eternal belief in myself and in the world again..
Welcome Home son..