At War With Myself

My Love,
I am going to war. I did not intend to leave you this way but I need to go. I’m not going to pick a gun, fire a bullet or kill a man. I am not fighting for our freedom or the democratic rights of another country’s. Baby, I am going to war with myself. . .

It’s not that your love doesn’t matter to me. Actually it matters so much that I feel I need to do this. We aren’t growing apart, I am just finding my way back into your heart. I know all those times at all those get – togethers with our mutual friends, you weren’t looking longingly at the other couples and their overtly obvious bonhomie, but you were wondering what it would take to even fake such attachment. I know that ‘we’ weren’t a compromise to you, but at the same time I hadn’t infused you with hate but more horrifyingly I have left you indifferent. And that is why I am going to war with myself. Not to make myself worthy of you but to make a believer of myself out of me.

I am going to war with myself because I know there is more to me and even though you have tried hard to show it to me and have given up, I believe that every man has his journey of discovery and mine has been rotting in the back of my head fighting hard to escape. I am not escaping reality my love, I am embracing it. I do not intend to throw away the cigarettes and climb a mountain and look down from there waiting for an epiphany to suddenly hit me. You were my epiphany all this while and it just bloody hit me now. I am not running away to hurt myself into submission, no great designs of finding some weird peace in the middle of a jungle or a footpath in a small town. I am not planning to board a ship and sail away to a distant country and discover its people and culture and in the process find myself. I do not intend to Eat, Pray or Love myself out of this funk. Nor do I intend to reverse engineer myself to a place I think I belong to in my mind. I do not want to be the guy you want me to be too. I know that will be a great guy to be but I don’t want to be a great guy for you, I want to be the guy you respect and are ready to open up your deepest desires to. I don’t want to be the guy in your office who makes every one laugh or the guy at your gym who looks so fit or the guy at the super market who is so caring or any template of any man you have ever known. I want to be an original, a fucking limited edition and the kind of guy you find words hard to string together to describe. I am going to war with myself baby and you get ready for the backdraft. It may not be pretty but it promises to be glorious.

I am going to war with myself to define myself afresh. I think there are parts to my daily routine, the way I approach work, my colleagues, my boss, my coffee guy, the departmental store, the barber shop, the roads, the quiet alleys, the guy I pick up my smokes from, the DJ at that place we dance at, the bartender at that place we get drunk at, the mutual friends I like, the mutual friends I’ll push off a cliff, the books I read, the food I eat, the miles I run, the way I choose to have fun. None of it, and I mean none of it is going to change, because none of it is wrong. None of that needs re-defining or renovation. Nor do you or your expectations. You see, like every country that goes to war and every soldier it takes with it, they all walk in not to change destinies but to alter fundamental truths. And no truth can be changed by running away from reality. So I’m not running away anywhere my love and nor will I be hiding in plain sight. I will be right here, living this life, with you and everyone that makes it and change my fundamental truths one by one from a place I can see it and you can feel it.

That’s my promise my love. Now, I am going to war with myself. . .

At War With Myself

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