Let’s lose the plot tonight. It’s the only way you will understand this memory. Also you just have to hear this.
It must have been about 250 people squeezed up, sweating and piss drunk. One of those nights where a lot of shit was going to get very real. I saw him disappear into the crowd and in between the crazy lighting i could see him hug many people. They all knew him but nobody wanted to talk for too long with him. He was lonely and to compound that, he was in denial.
He finally sat with a drink as the song began and the whole club began to groove to it. A couple of people called him but they did not insist and it felt like he knew. He knew that it was all just polite words followed by nudges and shaking of heads. They had given up on him, maybe more then he had himself. As I sat in a corner of the club observing him and taking notes, I felt this intense despair set in within me. It was powerful and it refused to leave me. He staggered towards the bar for another drink as a young girl, covered in tattoos walked towards him. She went close to his ears and whispered something and then held up a napkin. He faltered first and then gave me a glimpse of the same person I saw in that interview room. The swagger was back, the arrogance was contained yet sparkling in his eyes. For that one moment it was all back. He signed the napkin she held out and as she walked away and he turned to look at me, I began to realize why this night was a part of this playlist. I realised why he wanted some thing to immortalize him. He had his books, he had his fans, he had pretty much pioneered a genre of writing yet that was never going to define him. It was an effort that was far from complete and he needed to leave behind a legacy or less dramatically, a story that everyone could understand. I saw him reach to the DJ and frantically signal something to him, the DJ seem to oblige him and play the song again, the beats had me transfixed now as I watched him dance and fall on the floor. No one walked to pick him up, nor did he try and get up.
The ‘Bangarang’ in his life had swallowed him whole and spat out the bits, which was now him on the floor. I walked away from that night club with my notes intact and another song added to the playlist, but this time feeling closer to him than ever before..